Saturday, January 17, 2009

A prayer... A heart... His love

WARNING: This is pretty much about me venting, crying, whining, complaining... so if you don't want to "hear" me do all that stuff, just go away now. (And I'm just going to write off the top of my head so sorry if it is scattered and full of grammatical errors.)

Why? Why is it that whenever we reach this great place, I have to screw it up? Things happen in each others pasts that we may or may not regret.. I know there are things I am not proud of but I don't regret them because they helped shape who I am today. So, if I feel like that about me, then why can't he feel like that about him and me be okay with it? Seriously, I don't understand it.

There are things that he did BEFORE we got together and never did after, so if that is the case, then why do I feel like he betrayed me in someway? I know I am completely irrational and just basically trying to pick a fight with either him, he's sleeping by the way, or with myself. I really don't know why I can't just let myself and us be happy. Maybe it is because I am so freaked out that this might actually work... well I hope it does since I married him and I don't believe in divorce. Maybe I feel like I did so many horrible things in my past that I don't deserve to be happy in my future and present. Maybe it's because I got hurt so many times in the past and mostly from one guy that my heart might never be healed again. Sure it's close but its not the same.

I wish I would have waited.. I wish he would have waited. I wish I never gave my heart to anyone but him. I wish I never would have wasted 4 years of my life on someone who really didn't care about me. I wish sometimes I never would have met John. I love him more than words could ever start to describe but I really and truly feel like I am so messed up sometimes that he would be better without me. Like if we had never met that his life would have ended up with so much better potential and with someone prettier, smarter, and a better person than I could ever dream of being.

The last boy who broke my heart was the first boy I ever gave it to... over and over and over and over again. He broke it so many times, so many different ways, ways that I never thought were capable of breaking a heart and yet when I finally let go, it hurt.. I knew it was forever. It's not that I miss him, and it's not that I wish things would have worked out because they never would have.. we were from the same world going in opposite directions.

John has always treated me like a princess, like a queen, like his everything and yet I am so terrified that I will one day have my heart broken because on that day, he will wake up and realize what a mistake he made.. and I know it will happen, I just don't know when. He has never, in the 3 years we have been together, given me a reason to doubt him, to not trust him or his words, or to think that he has the capacity to break my heart but that, for some reason, doesn't change anything. I wish to God that it did, I really do.

I look at him now, so peacefully sleeping with Bailey tucked right next to him and I wonder.. "how did I get so lucky?" And my next thought is, "When will it end?" I hope it never ends but I'm so scared.. I'm terrified. There are so many women that are better than me and I can't compete with that and I don't know what to do.

As I write this, I'm crying, scared, lonely, cold, numb... I don't know what to do sometimes. So I guess that I will go to sleep and kiss my husband, tell him I love him, and pray to the Lord above me that when he wakes up, today won't be the day.. it won't be the day when he realizes that I'm not the girl he thought I was, that I'm not the one he loves... because if that day isn't today, then maybe, just maybe I can be that girl for him and I'll be the girl in the fairytale that all the little girls want to be when they grow up.. and if it should happen that today is the day, I will cry my eyes out, leave my heart in his hands and never ask for it back simply because I can never love anyone the way I love him, the amount I love him, or the depth that I love him.

So here is to a prayer, a heart and his love...

Thursday, January 8, 2009

Where I came up with pFm

So.. just in case you were wondering where my name came from (no, it didn't just pop out of thin air) here is the answer.

I am very into writing - poetry, songs, blogs, etc. It is a great way for me to get out my feelings and emotions without always talking about it. Anyway, here is something that wrote in October and I reread it when I decided on this name.

All comments are greatly appreciated, but if you are going to be rude - just go away.

"A painted face.."
A smile is forced on her face in an effort to hide the tears, the broken heart, and the regret she carries everyday. The world sees her as perfect, delightful, and amazing at the same time she sees herself as a sinner, a troubled soul, and an embarassment. The world sees the smile she paints on her face knowing nothing of the problems and worries that plague her spirit, knowing not that she cries herself to sleep at night in some attempt to deal with the pain. She speaks to no one of her sorrows and regret - instead they slowly eat her alive. Each day it gets harder to pretend it is all okay and mask the tears behind her facial facade. She wonders when this nightmare will be done with and she can awake again and then she realizes that her life is this nightmare. She does not know how to cure or heal the pain in her heart so she paints her face into a smile while the tears she sheds slowly start to seap through her make up.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

A baby...

So for those of you who don't know, John (my husband) and I are trying to have a baby. Just one little thing in the way, I have PCOS (Poly cystic Ovary Syndrome) which basically (in my case) means that I don't ovulate. No ovulation = No baby.

I love the show One Tree Hill and on tonight's episode (Jan. 5th) we find out that Peyton is pregnant with Lucas's baby, they are engaged to be married. They have the cutest scene at the end which I have attached. I cried my eyes out like a little baby and still am because I want that to be me.

It really seems like every time I turn around someone is pregnant or having a baby or something. It just feels like everyone is getting what I want. I really can't even begin to explain the amount of feeling I have towards this. It isn't just a "phase" and I'm so sick of people saying, "Just wait, your time will come." or "Let you and John just be married, there is plenty of time to have babies in the future." Whenever I hear things like this I really just, at the top of my lungs, want to scream, "I DON'T GIVE A SHIT SO BACK THE FUCK UP AND GET THE HELL OUT OF MY FACE!"

It is really the most intense pain and void and feelings of sorrow that I have ever experienced. The pain is like this dull, nagging, ever present feeling that really just won't ever go away. I try to not think about it, and yeah, there are days when I don't. Then again, there are days when that is all I think about. And it really doesn't help when I have people bragging about it and "showing off." I don't know. I really am happy for the couples who get pregnant, especially the ones who are trying. But I always feel jealous about it too. When a couple who weren't trying but got pregnant I just feel like it isn't fair at all. I always wonder, "Why them? Why not us? We were and are trying." It's not that they won't love their baby as much as we would love ours, I'm pretty sure I wasn't planned and neither of my two sisters were, but when you want something so much it seems like your life is on hold.

I don't necessarily feel like I'm putting my life on hold, I just feel like it has kind of taken over my thoughts and actions a bit more than I wish. I know a baby is A LOT of responsibility and I really hate it when people say things like, "You know.. when you have a baby you won't sleep, you will have to feed it at 2, 3, 4 in the morning. You will always be tired and you can't just give up if it is too hard." Like WTF?! Do you really think I'm that fucking stupid? This isn't something that I just decided on over night. No, John and I have talked about having a baby for so long, way before we got married. We started trying on our wedding night because we wanted to do it the traditional way... Meet, date, fall in love, he asks for my hand in marriage, my dad says yes, he asks, I say yes, then plan a wedding that is beautiful.. THEN have the baby. I didn't want to be pregnant when we got married.. I didn't want to get married because I was pregnant.

Don't get me wrong, marriage isn't for everyone and yeah, sometimes accidents happen. It was just something that John and I talked about and decided on for us.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I really want a baby and while the scene is absolutely adorable and, honestly, I can't stop watching it, it makes me cry and think of what I don't have.

Anyway, if you are actually reading this, thank you for reading it in it's entirety.


Monday, January 5, 2009

Coastal Scents Micas, Oxide, and Gel Liners Swatches

Hey everyone. Here are the swatches I told you about on my Coastal Scents Haul video on YouTube.

Front left to right the colors are..

Top Row:
Paradise Diamond Pearl Mica
Antique Silver Mica

Middle Row:
Chameleon Violet Mica
Amethyst Mica
Salamander Pink Mica
One of the blue ones that I got that was mislabled as Metallic Pearl Bronze Mica but it is either Cellini Blue (aka True Blue) or Metallic Sapphire Mica
Chromium Oxide Green
Black Mica

Bottom Row:
Platinum Gel Liner
True Black Gel Liner

All the products were used on top of Urban Decay Primer Potion. I used the best lighting I could find to give you the truest color possible. Please keep in mind that if you purchase any of these, the coloring might be off slightly from what you see and may not show up as pigmented if you do not use a primer and/or a different one.

Thanks everyone!

Just a little thing..

Hey everyone! I hope you will follow me on here as well as on YouTube. Check out what is going on in my life as well as what makeup and hair products I buy and use and teach you how to use, combine, and work with.

Nicole (pFm)

My YouTube channel: