Saturday, January 17, 2009

A prayer... A heart... His love

WARNING: This is pretty much about me venting, crying, whining, complaining... so if you don't want to "hear" me do all that stuff, just go away now. (And I'm just going to write off the top of my head so sorry if it is scattered and full of grammatical errors.)

Why? Why is it that whenever we reach this great place, I have to screw it up? Things happen in each others pasts that we may or may not regret.. I know there are things I am not proud of but I don't regret them because they helped shape who I am today. So, if I feel like that about me, then why can't he feel like that about him and me be okay with it? Seriously, I don't understand it.

There are things that he did BEFORE we got together and never did after, so if that is the case, then why do I feel like he betrayed me in someway? I know I am completely irrational and just basically trying to pick a fight with either him, he's sleeping by the way, or with myself. I really don't know why I can't just let myself and us be happy. Maybe it is because I am so freaked out that this might actually work... well I hope it does since I married him and I don't believe in divorce. Maybe I feel like I did so many horrible things in my past that I don't deserve to be happy in my future and present. Maybe it's because I got hurt so many times in the past and mostly from one guy that my heart might never be healed again. Sure it's close but its not the same.

I wish I would have waited.. I wish he would have waited. I wish I never gave my heart to anyone but him. I wish I never would have wasted 4 years of my life on someone who really didn't care about me. I wish sometimes I never would have met John. I love him more than words could ever start to describe but I really and truly feel like I am so messed up sometimes that he would be better without me. Like if we had never met that his life would have ended up with so much better potential and with someone prettier, smarter, and a better person than I could ever dream of being.

The last boy who broke my heart was the first boy I ever gave it to... over and over and over and over again. He broke it so many times, so many different ways, ways that I never thought were capable of breaking a heart and yet when I finally let go, it hurt.. I knew it was forever. It's not that I miss him, and it's not that I wish things would have worked out because they never would have.. we were from the same world going in opposite directions.

John has always treated me like a princess, like a queen, like his everything and yet I am so terrified that I will one day have my heart broken because on that day, he will wake up and realize what a mistake he made.. and I know it will happen, I just don't know when. He has never, in the 3 years we have been together, given me a reason to doubt him, to not trust him or his words, or to think that he has the capacity to break my heart but that, for some reason, doesn't change anything. I wish to God that it did, I really do.

I look at him now, so peacefully sleeping with Bailey tucked right next to him and I wonder.. "how did I get so lucky?" And my next thought is, "When will it end?" I hope it never ends but I'm so scared.. I'm terrified. There are so many women that are better than me and I can't compete with that and I don't know what to do.

As I write this, I'm crying, scared, lonely, cold, numb... I don't know what to do sometimes. So I guess that I will go to sleep and kiss my husband, tell him I love him, and pray to the Lord above me that when he wakes up, today won't be the day.. it won't be the day when he realizes that I'm not the girl he thought I was, that I'm not the one he loves... because if that day isn't today, then maybe, just maybe I can be that girl for him and I'll be the girl in the fairytale that all the little girls want to be when they grow up.. and if it should happen that today is the day, I will cry my eyes out, leave my heart in his hands and never ask for it back simply because I can never love anyone the way I love him, the amount I love him, or the depth that I love him.

So here is to a prayer, a heart and his love...