Tuesday, January 6, 2009

A baby...

So for those of you who don't know, John (my husband) and I are trying to have a baby. Just one little thing in the way, I have PCOS (Poly cystic Ovary Syndrome) which basically (in my case) means that I don't ovulate. No ovulation = No baby.

I love the show One Tree Hill and on tonight's episode (Jan. 5th) we find out that Peyton is pregnant with Lucas's baby, they are engaged to be married. They have the cutest scene at the end which I have attached. I cried my eyes out like a little baby and still am because I want that to be me.

It really seems like every time I turn around someone is pregnant or having a baby or something. It just feels like everyone is getting what I want. I really can't even begin to explain the amount of feeling I have towards this. It isn't just a "phase" and I'm so sick of people saying, "Just wait, your time will come." or "Let you and John just be married, there is plenty of time to have babies in the future." Whenever I hear things like this I really just, at the top of my lungs, want to scream, "I DON'T GIVE A SHIT SO BACK THE FUCK UP AND GET THE HELL OUT OF MY FACE!"

It is really the most intense pain and void and feelings of sorrow that I have ever experienced. The pain is like this dull, nagging, ever present feeling that really just won't ever go away. I try to not think about it, and yeah, there are days when I don't. Then again, there are days when that is all I think about. And it really doesn't help when I have people bragging about it and "showing off." I don't know. I really am happy for the couples who get pregnant, especially the ones who are trying. But I always feel jealous about it too. When a couple who weren't trying but got pregnant I just feel like it isn't fair at all. I always wonder, "Why them? Why not us? We were and are trying." It's not that they won't love their baby as much as we would love ours, I'm pretty sure I wasn't planned and neither of my two sisters were, but when you want something so much it seems like your life is on hold.

I don't necessarily feel like I'm putting my life on hold, I just feel like it has kind of taken over my thoughts and actions a bit more than I wish. I know a baby is A LOT of responsibility and I really hate it when people say things like, "You know.. when you have a baby you won't sleep, you will have to feed it at 2, 3, 4 in the morning. You will always be tired and you can't just give up if it is too hard." Like WTF?! Do you really think I'm that fucking stupid? This isn't something that I just decided on over night. No, John and I have talked about having a baby for so long, way before we got married. We started trying on our wedding night because we wanted to do it the traditional way... Meet, date, fall in love, he asks for my hand in marriage, my dad says yes, he asks, I say yes, then plan a wedding that is beautiful.. THEN have the baby. I didn't want to be pregnant when we got married.. I didn't want to get married because I was pregnant.

Don't get me wrong, marriage isn't for everyone and yeah, sometimes accidents happen. It was just something that John and I talked about and decided on for us.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I really want a baby and while the scene is absolutely adorable and, honestly, I can't stop watching it, it makes me cry and think of what I don't have.

Anyway, if you are actually reading this, thank you for reading it in it's entirety.



Sunny said...

Nicole, I am heartbroken for you. I am so sorry. Have you talked to your doctor about going on Clomid to encourage your body to ovulate? Have you had your insulin levels checked? With PCOS it can elevate your insulin and bringing it to a normal level can help you ovulate too. I have a friend in her 30's who suffers from PCOS and she took Clomid and eventually (after a lot of trying) became pregnant. I don't know if this is an option for you. I'm thinking of you!

I'm glad you started a blog, it'll be another fun way to keep in touch! I've watched a couple of your youtube videos. Very nice!